Sure, there is the sleep deprivation. You know the complete lack of sleep that leaves you wondering if you really should be in charge of life in my case (two lives) when you try opening your front house door with your car key fab, and put the cereal in the fridge for the tenth time. But I knew about this. I was warned about this. Nobody told me motherhood was going to be easy, but nobody ever told me what the hardest part of motherhood is.
I got a job teaching for the last three months of school. I am taking over for someone on their maternity leave. I am teaching English as a second (or third or fourth) language which is exactly what I love to teach. I was so excited when I got the call that I got the job. It’s not easy getting teaching jobs around here, especially in my field. After I accepted the job and called my husband to tell him I got it, the next thing to do was figure out childcare. I have twenty month old twins and they are used to being home with me. I did something similar last year, but for some reason this year I was beyond emotional about it.
Decisions needed to be made and they needed to be made soon because my new job started in a week. With decisions comes a million choose your own adventure scenarios you try to figure out in your head but you aren’t just turning pages, you are affecting your kids. And for me sometimes the guilt sets in before I even pull the trigger on anything. The land of what ifs isn’t fun!
It’s no secret that I’m not a huge fan of ambiguity and it is something I am intentionally working on warming up to. I might as well since ambiguity and uncertainty aren’t going away anytime soon or well EVER.
So I think about what I think would be best for my boys. Then I talk to my husband and he has different ideas. I wasn’t even 100% confident with my ideas and then when my husband says something different, I am even more conflicted.
How do we know what’s best for our kids?!
There’s no manual for these choices!
And if there was one, I’d throw it out!
Every kid is so different!
Motherhood really has taught me how illogical comparison is, because in some ways we are all apples and oranges.
So I’ve been stressing. Not wanting to do wrong by my kids. And I know this is just one of many decisions I have to make on behalf of my kids and family. Whenever I was asked what superpower I would want I said flying….Well I changed my mind. I want to know if I am making the right decision.
But here’s the thing. I’m not perfect. My husband isn’t perfect. We are not going to give our kids the perfect life. This is not to say I should eenie meenie miney mo decisions and not care, it just helps me recognize what I should put my effort into. Motherhood/parenthood isn’t about making all the right decisions. And if it is to you, than please do yourself a favor and change that way of thinking. I am not asking you to lower your expectations for yourself, but to change your job description! Our job isn’t to give our kids a perfect life. It’s just not.
Our job is to love them. Our job is to love our kids. So that’s what I am going to do…Love them, pray for them, let them in on the secret that mommy isn’t perfect. I am going to give them a front row seat on that mythbuster real fast! But I am going to show them not only that mom makes mistakes, but also how mom works through them. Maybe that’s apologizing, maybe that’s making changes, maybe that’s having a hard discussion, maybe that’s saying I messed up! I am going to show my kids that I fall…and that I rise. I am going to live out the advice I would give my kids or friends if they were struggling. I am going to extend myself grace when I mess up just like I will to my family and friends. And hopefully the little eyes watching me will see through mistakes and struggles, I am loved by a God that created me imperfectly, perfect and that they are too.
So let’s take perfection off the table, and replace it with love and resilience. The times I have felt the most loved and learned how to be resilient is through the tough times. Our kids are not going to have a perfect life even if we did have the super power and made all the right decisions. We cannot and do not control everything in their life. (So if you are trying that too, again change your job description!)
The other day I put the boys in these outfits I had bought them and tried to get a picture of them sitting side by side with them both smiling. I pulled out all my tricks to try to get them to stay still and smile. Well it didn’t happen and I was completely out of breath! They would not stay still for a second, fussed with the outfits, and well just refused to put a pause on our circus life! I was somewhat bummed to not get one single good picture but was looking through what I got. As I am going through pictures I hear giggling. I turn around and the boys are hugging and spinning together just giggling away. And when Mamarazzi pulled the phone out they kept doing it allowing me to get some precious pictures of them loving on each other. I hear their giggles when I look at the picture.
I know the disappointment of not getting a good picture is very very small on the scale of things to be worried/upset about. But I felt like this little insignificant moment was a much needed reminder that somethings aren’t going to go our way, I can pull out all my tricks and make plans and try to control the results, and some things just aren’t going to happen the way I see or want them too.
But sometimes the love is going to get us through it. That love that we show everyday to our kids is going to get us through
and the days.
I am going to get a lot of things wrong, but love isn’t going to be one of them.
So Mamas, yeah I am talking to you! Take a deep breath and think about the love you have for your child/children.
You are doing something right. And that something…is everything.
Don’t let your #momguilt jade your #momlife.
You got this!
And just for cuteness sake!
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